Three Signs You Are Embracing Retirement

Let's Talk About Retirement - Be Patient, It's a Process

Mar 15, 2024

First of all, let me make it clear that by “retirement”, I don’t mean to “withdraw to seclusion”, as the French said in the 16th century. Retirement doesn’t have to be about ceasing to work or withdrawing from competition; rather, it is about working not for money but happiness, and competing not with someone else but yourself.

Now we’ve got that out of the way, let me share the learnings from my 20 months of retirement: the three signs of someone who is embracing retirement.

#1. You no longer feel the need to explain (and justify) to people that you are retired

For several months after I left my corporate job, I often offered “I am retired” unprompted when conversing with friends and neighbors, occasionally even with people I was meeting for the very first time. It is peculiar to me now that I’d utter an explanation when none was required. But during those first few months, it was almost like a reflex.

“Oh, I am retired!” I said casually, sometimes adding an animated “air quote” with (what I believed) a hint of humor. In hindsight, I was justifying more to myself than anyone else, that it was my choice to retire years before what’s viewed as a “common retirement age”. But in reality, the fear of being viewed as “uninspired” or “lazy” was what was lurking in my subconscious. Many people are working well into their 70s and 80s nowadays, some of them swear they’d work “until the last breath”. These are the people our society admires (and I do too, deeply). No one told me that I retired too early, or that I was joining the company of “idle all day and bored to numbness”—at least not to my face—I told myself that.

In our logical mind, we can recite the mantra that there is no pre-defined “right time” for any life milestone; it is always a personal decision based on personal situations. But our logic caves in, to the the deafening voice of “common consensus”. Society defines a formula for every single one of our life milestones. The majority wins, and we brace ourselves for the feeling of shame and depression when we step outside of the “social norm”.

One of my friends resigned from her corporate job only to go back into the workforce when she was invited by a former co-worker to join a startup. She did so not only because she believed in the mission of the new company, but also because it felt good to be “thought of and needed”. A year later, she told me she was ready to officially enter retirement. She said it with such peace and grace. She had her closure. I was so very happy for her.

Another friend resigned during the Pandemic years only to find herself aimless (and restless) outside of her domestic duties. But when she started to look at openings posted on LinkedIn, the job descriptions instantly brought back the memory of a multi-colored calendar, crowded with meetings that solved no problems. (Remember the phrase “I am double/triple booked”?) The dreaded feeling of burning midnight oils to meet made-up deadlines nauseated her. She logged out of LinkedIn and focused back on finding her footing in retirement. I cheered for her on the sideline.

There was no magic moment for me. What I can tell you is that I have “retired” the phrase “I am retired” in my conversations. The anxiety of feeling left out has dissipated. I recently spent five weeks in California with my mother and sister, to celebrate Mom’s 90th birthday. I went for a walk every morning; I made elaborate breakfasts for everyone; I fed the neighborhood stray cats; and I drank the many versions of boba milk tea in trendy minimalistic places only the Bay Area could offer. Not for a minute did I worry about missing an email or meeting, and every moment was spent with people who enjoyed my company.

There is no explanation needed, much less the need to justify my being retired.

A morning walk in Shady Oaks Park, San Jose California

#2. You don’t reference your old job or past accomplishments in conversations anymore

There is a Chinese saying: 好汉不提当年勇 - A true valor does not boast his past bravery. My slightly modified translation: Confidence is not built on past glories.

Recounting past accomplishments often signifies a sense of lacking confidence in the present. Our culture ties accomplishments to career advancement and financial status. When we leave a corporate job, we lose our job title together with its paycheck overnight, and with that vanishes our sense of accomplishment. In the first year after I left my corporate job, I often found myself recounting how many people I used to manage, how big my operating budget was, and how impactful my responsibilities were. Sometimes, I would go as far as bragging about the city-hopping international business trips. I caught myself doing that more than a few times. An alarm—not a blast but a gentle buzz—sounded in my conscience.

After years of working in the corporate world, my mind clearly understands that the size of an organization is no indication of the quality of its leader; the number of digits in a budget has no relation to the value the business creates for its people and society; and I know wearing yourself out on time-zone crazy international travel is nothing to be proud of. But when it comes to managing our senses, sensibility seems to lose to the “world values”1 that have been ingrained into us.

Retirement has afforded me time and space; time and space to realize the “retreat” part of the original meaning of retirement—to retreat from seeking external validation of career advancements and material trappings. We are conditioned to chase external accomplishments as the path to validation and yet I have met a fair share of highly “successful” but insecure individuals. Real confidence comes from internal sources: living authentically, learning continuously, and making a difference beyond dollars and cents. These internal factors have been overlooked and buried deep under the pile of “world values” because they are hard to measure (with numbers) and even harder to describe (with titles). But they can be felt, if we give ourselves time and space to feel.

I want to be a true valor, one who has plenty to talk about her present accomplishments: Relationships— those with family, friends, and myself—that are nurtured by always showing up. Personal growth—that class I always planned to take, the hobby I always wanted to pick up, and quality time I always meant to spend with people who matter to me the most—that is fueled by always being curious. And contributions to this world I live in—not revenue generated for a corporation or an internet following virtually manufactured—by living a happy and fulfilled life not according to what the world has defined for me.

When you constantly bring back the past, you are not living the present, much less enjoying it. Next time you see me, ask me about my life now.

#3. You perform your day’s tasks without feeling hurried

Patience is a virtue. My son taught me that when he was a teenager. Apparently (to him), patience wasn’t one of my virtues! (It still isn’t.) I admitted without a blink of an eye, maybe even with a bit of pride—I simply had too much on my plate; I was an overachiever and proud to be called one. Case closed.

I was conditioned to be goal-oriented. A habit of chasing after the goal at the cost of not paying attention to the process robbed me of the joy of savoring the result. My mind was always set on the next goal. It served me well in the corporate world, which was all about declaring and owning your goals.

Armed with this habit I entered retirement. And I found out that what worked in the past did not work too well in this new phase called retirement. When there were no goals unless I set one for myself, and no rationales for “deadlines” unless I set one just for the sake of having one, instead of relief, I felt restless. I hurried through my days when there wasn’t anything needed rushing to.

Gosh, I was not used to a life with no need to hurry! A startling revelation.

I can re-learn this. I am good at learning, and re-learning is a sort of learning, right?

Start small.

I am learning to yield instead of rushing ahead when there is merging traffic on the highway. I am not in a hurry, I don’t have a meeting start time to beat, but this other driver might do.

I am learning to look into the eye of the person who is talking to me and hear what he/she has to say. What I was doing can wait.

I am learning to take time to chew, take small bites, and taste what I am eating. I spend time cooking. I should spend time enjoying the food.

When the restlessness dissipates, the sensors of my mind start to focus on the process, and the end goal becomes a bokeh—a beautiful background to have but not in the foreground focus.

Our beautiful NiuNiu - Photo Credit to my husband.

We once yearned so eagerly for the ups and downs of fate, only to realize in the end that the most beautiful scenery in life is inner tranquility and composure. We once longed so much for external validation, only to find out in the end that the world is our own, and others have no business in it!2

— Yang Jiang 杨绛, a Chinese playwright, author, and translator

Beautiful to read and easy to comprehend, yet hard to make it part of a living philosophy. So I make sure I read it often and keep it alive in my heart.

***

Old habits die hard though. The night before daylight savings ended, I urged my husband to shut the lights and turn in because we would lose an hour in the morning.

“Are you tired?” he asked.

“No. But it is 11 pm according to the new time.” I said.

“Do you have a meeting tomorrow morning?”

“Of course not.” I laughed. And I reopened the book I had just closed.

Enjoying a cup of Gibraltar, my newly discovered favorite coffee drink, at The Crown - Royal Coffee Lab & Testing Room in Oakland, California

Do you have personal stories and journeys about retirement to share? Would love to hear your learnings!

Three Signs You Are Embracing Retirement

Let's Talk About Retirement - Be Patient, It's a Process

#1. You no longer feel the need to explain (and justify) to people that you are retired

#2. You don’t reference your old job or past accomplishments in conversations anymore

#3. You perform your day’s tasks without feeling hurried

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