Chinese American
An Identity Intricacy
I was invited to a neighbor’s house for a family event last weekend. Most of the crowd were friends of the family and a few were neighbors of our community. There were the usual greetings and friendly chit-chats of such gatherings and I mingled with several neighbors.
Our neighborhood is a gated community but most families more or less keep to themselves on their 5-acre lots. This is my 8th year in this community and I probably have met less than a quarter of the neighbors, most of whom a wave while driving by is all we share.
So, the question came up in the chit-chat about where I was from. I have learned in my 34 years living in the States that it is easier—on myself and the questioner— to not take offense, and a simple “I am originally from China” would often satisfy the question and still leave everyone feeling warm and fuzzy. When that does not end the questioning, complications usually arise. In this instance, I was then asked how old I was when I came. I said 23.
“Oh, then you really are a Chinese!”
I assumed no ill intention from the commentator. The conversation carried on. When I was able to confirm the location of a certain academy, the same person offered a compliment (again, I assumed) “See, you know my country better than I!” At this point, it was about as much as I was willing to receive without asserting some kind of correction or explanation. I excused myself and joined other groups.
Later that night when I was at home, that conversation kept being replayed in my head. I couldn’t help but feel annoyed at myself, that I did not let my feelings known and I missed an opportunity to express my perspective to someone who might not otherwise have a chance to learn a viewpoint different from her own.
I received my American citizenship in 1998, nine years after I arrived in the States. That day, I became an American, and America became my country. Identity wasn’t too much of a thought, until years later, someone brought up the term “Chinese American”.
Chinese American, or Chinese-American, felt to me like an oxymoron. According to the Conscious Style Guide, “Chinese American” without the hyphen, Chinese is an adjective, and American is a noun. Hence “Chinese American” is “a type of American”. “Chinese-American”, the hyphen gives the word on either side equal weight, linking two nouns. Is the hyphen a tool for connoting dual heritage? Or does it serve to divide even as they are meant to connect? With or without the hyphen, to me, they both signal “otherness”.
Should there be different types of Americans? Should there also be “British Americans” or “German Americans”?
Eileen Gu, an American freestyle skier and multiple Olympic gold medals winner, has spent time living, practicing, and competing in both America and China. I find her perspective intriguing. She once answered a reporter’s question on whether she considered herself an American or Chinese, stating that she thought of herself as an American when she was in America and felt like a Chinese when she was in China. While some viewed this response as a clever way of dodging a political bullet, I consider it quite valid. Being an American doesn’t stop me from celebrating my Chinese heritage and birthplace; being proud of my Chinese culture and mother tongue does not make me any less of an American. Not in my heart.
One of my friends, who is a first-generation immigrant just like me, told me that her kids, who were born in America just like my son, believed they shared different cultures and values with her. I wanted to tell her that my son used to think exactly like her kids but had since changed his beliefs, but I didn’t. I am unsure if I want to wish her kids the same change. Innocence is to be cherished and protected.
I sent my neighbor a message over the weekend. It felt good that I finally got to tell my side of the story and she got to read about my perspective and feelings. She told me she enjoyed our conversations and suggested that we do our walks together sometime soon. I think I would like to walk our beautiful community trails with her, as neighbors and as fellow Americans.
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I read this essay with great interest. Thank you for illuminating this contentious identity issue with such clarity. I especially appreciate the comparison of the term Chinese American with or without hyphen. I'm curious what you told your friend in the end, as well as how your son changed his view of his own identity.
This was a great post. I loved how it ended with harmony restored, thanks to your reaching out to your neighbour. I think identities are multiple, though those of us brought up in racially homogeneous, monolingual places (eg my part of England) might struggle with that at first. Thank you for your typically thoughtful reflection on this topic!